Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
