My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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