oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
