so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
