I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
