So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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