...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
