I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
