I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The air was thick with penises
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize