I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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