I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
