my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
