im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
