Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
