That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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