Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
