alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
