So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize