fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
