you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
