i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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