I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
