Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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