I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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