So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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