I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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