I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize