my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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