I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize