i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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