im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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