Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
