I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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