My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
