dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize