last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
