I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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