I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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