had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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