I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
