Apparently you make a good broom.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
