No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
