Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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