This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize