I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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