If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
