At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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