I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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