So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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