I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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