Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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