I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
