Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
