The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
