I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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