and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
