I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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