You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im six kinds of drunk right now
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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